- ACCORDING to a familiar phrase, the
"language" of love is universal. Recent
ethological studies of nonlinguistic
communication in courtship using facial
expression, gesture, posture, distance,
paralanguage, and gaze have begun to establish
that a universal, culture-free, nonverbal sign
system may exist (EiblEibesfeldt, 1975), which
is available to all persons for negotiating
sexual relationships. The nonverbal mode, more
powerful than the verbal for expressing such
fundamental contingencies in social
relationships as liking, disliking, superiority,
timidity, fear, and so on, appears to be rooted
firmly in man's zoological heritage (Bateson,
1966, 1968). Paralleling a vertebrate-wide plan,
human courtship expressivity often relies on
nonverbal signs of submissiveness (meekness,
harmlessness) and affiliation (willingness to
form a social bond). Adoption of a
submissiveaffiliative social pose enables a
person to convey an engaging, nonthreatening
image that tends to attract potential mates.
This report explores several conspicuous
nonlinguistic cues that appear to be used widely
in contexts of flirtation, courtship, and
seduction. The expressive units are discussed
from the standpoint of their occurrence in five
phases of courtship, and are ifiustrated by four
cases.
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- COURTSHIP PHASES
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- Courting encounters between unacquainted
adults often progress through discrete phases of
attention, recognition, interaction, sexual
arousal, and resolution. Time spent within a
given stage may vary; for example, some couples
may skip the attention phase altogether, while
others might never graduate from the stage of
interac;tion. However, within each phase the
nonlinguistic behaviors tend to be consistent.
To illustrate, we might follow a hypothetical
couple meeting for the first time during lunch
through a complete progression.
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- Attention Phase
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- Suppose that a woman, alone at a cafeteria
table, is joined by a strange man who takes the
seat diagonally across from her. They may
acknowledge one another and nod civilly, then
quickly break contact and begin to eat lunch
privately as noninteracting individuals.
Although the imagined women reads as she eats
and does not glance at him, the man may find
that he is attracted by certain
attention-soliciting features. Her long hair,
the colorful soft and fitted clothing, the
slightly rouged cheeks, the dark lashes and
scented cologne may appeal to him and stimulate
his interest in her. Feeling somewhat timid and
reluctant to speak in the presence of the
attractive stranger, perhaps because, as Crook
(1972) has suggested, men generally are hesitant
to approach without some indication of interest
from the partner, he may begin to perform a
series of unwitting-though conspicuous-body
movements and expressions. First, he may orient
his body toward the partner but refrain from
looking at her, instead allowing his gaze to
sweep repeatedly back and forth across her field
of view. The head movements, visible
peripherally to the partner, and interpreted as
being in some way addressed to her, may occasion
a reserved and somewhat suspicious glance toward
him. A tentative and very brief period of mutual
gaze, broken by downward eye aversion, may
follow, during which the man perhaps would smile
ambivalently, "head-toss" (tilt the head
abruptly backward and shake it laterally; cf.
Benjamin and Creider, 1975), and perform a
hand-tobody automanipulation.
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- The anxiety level in the man presumably
would be high-psychosocial stress, generated by
simultaneous tendencies to approach and to avoid
the partner, would be evident in such visible
activities as yawning, stretching, and
automanipulating, and in an overall accelerated
tempo in behavior. For instance, stretching,
extending the arms maximally, often toward the
partner, or flexing and raising the arms and
protruding the chest, along with yawning
and gazing away laterally, thight occur several
times during the attention phase, prior to
speaking. Automanipulation-scratching,'djusting
clothing, touching the face or neck, fingering
the hair-would tend to increase in frequency due
to the close proximity of the attractive but
unknown companion.
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- All of these "displacement-like" activities
(Displacement activities, out-of-context
behaviors related to sleeping, eating, grooming,
breathing, and so on, can occur in socially
tense settings in a variety of vertebrate forms.
Largely unexplained, they have been observed in
human neonates, infants, and adults in contexts
of uncertainty, where concurrent approach and
avoidance tendencies seem to be present (Givens,
1978b) may function as unwitting and covert
attentional cues in courtship settings, because
they can be interpreted by receivers,
nonconsciously, as signs that their presence in
some way affects the performer. Many
automanipulative behaviors, for instance, may
function dually to console the user (by
redirecting orienting energies inward, away from
the stressing partner, such as when sucking a
finger, mouthing a hand, or clasping the body;
cf. Grand, 1977), as well as to improve the
user's appearance (e.g., hairpreening,
sock-preening, tie-straightening; Scheflen,
1965). Human beings, in the manner of their
primate relatives, seem to be very close
observers of companions, and although the
information expressed in kinesic phenomena is
usually out of conscious awareness, it can be
expected to influence one's orientation toward
unacquainted partners.
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- The essence of the attention phase in
courtship is ambivalence-tentative and hesitant
approach. Potential courters may be expected to
emit nonverbal cues which indicate conflicting
psychosocial orientations. Tendencies to draw
near and to avoid may be communicated
simultaneously as, for example, by ambivalent
smiles (pouting, compressing the lips, or
showing the tongue while smiling) and by
sidelong glances. Eibl-Eibesfeldt (1975) has
found that actions such as gaze-lowering,
smiling, vacillation in gazing at and gazing
away, and hand-to-face automanipulations occur
in contexts of flirtation in a variety of
Western and non-Western cultures. Such
apparently ambivalent courting-related behaviors
may have a panhuman distribution. Overall, the
initial pose in courtship appears to be somewhat
childlike. The same automanipulations,
displacement-like activities, coy gaze patterns,
and demure facial expressions are typical of
young children in their own shy and ambivalent
confrontations with strange adults (Blurton
Jones, 1967; Stern and Bender, 1974; Benjamin
and Creider, 1975). In courtship, adults seem
momentarily to adopt childlike poses, and to
perform what Eibl-Eibesfeldt (1971) has termed
"infantile appeals" (p. 152) to elicit
affectionate responses.
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- Recognition Phase
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- Suppose now that the hypothetical woman,
covertly aware of the man's readiness to
interact, initiates a response. She might
discourage or cut off social contact completely
by orienting her body away from him and
withholding gaze. Or she might stare at him,
blank-faced, without smiling, or stifi more
aversively, she could tilt her head backward
disdainfully, and compress the lips or protrude
the tongue subtly ("tongue-show," to imply
reserve; Smith, Chase and Lieblich, 1974) to
indicate definitely that contact would be
unwelcome. Such negative responses predictably
would dampen the man's eagerness to interact,
and he might at this time abandon the courting
presentation.
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- On the other hand, the woman could respond
with availability signals of her own. She could
orient the body toward the man, gaze at him,
raise the brows, smile, touch her face, and
avert the gaze demurely downward. She might
"toss" her head flirtatiously while returning
his gaze, and like the man, she could stretch,
yawn, protrude the chest, self-groom, and
perform ambivalent smiles, all of which would
tend to encourage further displays in the
partner. Often during the recognition phase
degrees of postural immobility are apparent;
social anxiety sometimes is so magnified that
participants may "freeze" after an embarrassing
period of mutual gaze. The freezing phenomenon,
a mammal-wide response to fearful stimuli, is
evident as a social response in the human by
four weeks of age (Givens, 1978c). Immobility
can be seen frequently in the beginning phases
of courtship, where it can cue the receiver that
the partner will not be likely to behave
aggressively should interactive advances be
made. Another indicator of psychological stress,
rapid eyeblink rate (Appel, McCarron, and
Manning, 1968), may underlie a self-consciously
stylized eyelash-batting sometimes seen in this
phase.
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- Evident submissiveness appears to be a key
message during the recognition phase. While
behaviors such as smiling, gazing-at,
brow-raising, and bodily orientation can
communicate a willingness to interact, various
submissive activities, coincident with these,
can convey that the prospective partner need not
anticipate hostile nor overly dominant reactions
to social overtures. As in many vertebrate
species, human shows of aggressiveness can
frighten and drive partners away. By disclaiming
dominance with submissive gestures, the courter
grants to receivers an implicit permission to
approach. Kendon (1975) has described certain
female characteristics which may function in
this way to reassure the male partner:
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- In approaching her ... the male must not
only be sexually interested, but must at the
same time be reassured that the female wifi not
be aggressive to him. Certain characteristics of
females, such as relative hairlessness, smooth
complexion and voice tone which have a childlike
character may contribute to this. They may also
serve to dispose the male toward caretaking and
protective behaviors which are important, not
only as a reassurance to the female that she
also will not be attacked upon approach by the
male, but also in regard to the role that the
male will play in relation to the offspring that
are the likely outcome of a successful
courtship. [pp. 328-329]
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- Featured as submissive-like movements in the
recognition phase are elements from a culturally
widespread shoulder-shrugging composite first
described by Charles Darwin in his classic work,
The Expression of the Emotions in Man and
Animals (1872). In another study (Givens, 1977a)
I found that, in children and adults, shrugging
units (which include lateral head-tilt, brow
raise, pouted or opened mouth, raised or flexed
shoulders, tightly adducted-pulled in-ward-upper
arms, raised forearms, and upwardly opened
palms) could be used to negotiate encounters
submissively, to allay offensive or assertive
responses in addressees. Many elements of the
shrugging complex may be homologous to
activities described in a primate-wide
"clamping" reflex (McGraw, 1943). In courtship,
partners frequently can be observed to tilt
their heads, and to raise or flex the shoulders
prominently as they engage one another socially,
prior to verbal conversation. Scheflen (1965)
has observed one element of the shrugging
complex, "head-cocking," in courting contexts;
Kendon and Ferber (1973) and Key (1975) have
found lateral head-tilts to be more prevalent in
women than men during periods of greeting,
implying that it may communicate a
submissivelike stance. Another element, pouting
the lips, seems to have become a culturally
stylized courtship sign in some Western European
countries; it, too, can be used to establish a
subordinate position vis-à-vis
receivers.
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- Other submissive postures in this phase can
include patterns of self-clasping, such as
joining the hands, grasping the neck, holding
the upper anns or forearms, and folding the arms
tightly into the abdominal area. In adults and
children (and monkeys, according to Suomi, 1977)
such tightly flexed, adducted, self-clinging
postures can be observed as signs of meekness in
a great variety of stressful settings.
Gaze-aversion downward is another submissive
unit with an early childhood ontogeny (facing
downward may occur even in congenitally blind
children in embarrassing situations; Pitcairn
and Eibl-Eibesfeldt, 1976). In several
ostensibly courting encounters I have seen
rather complicated displays of meekness in men
and women often performed in unison, consisting
of mutual gaze followed, in order, by (1)
downward eye aversion, (2) smiling, (3) clasping
the hands, (4) stretching the arms outward, (5)
raising and flècing the shoulders, (6)
tilting the head, (7) yawning, and (8)
rotating the feet inward'to a "pigeon-toe"
position. Identical movement configurations can
be seen in nursery-
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- school-age children as they interact shyly
with potentially threatening adults. In mature
individuals the full performance may be
brief-and subtle-but is evidently definite
enough to convey courtship readiness.
Sociologist Peter Blau (1974) has stated,
"Flirting involves largely the expression of
attraction ... designed to elicit some
commitment from the other in advance of making a
serious commitment oneself" (p. 227). The
submissive-like nonverbal behaviors may be
available in this respect as covert indicators
or mood signs of a commitment to respond.
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- Interaction Phase
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- If the partner has been assessed favorably
the man or woman may initiate verbal
conversation. Speaking, or more broadly,
linguistic-like contact-which would include
American Sign Language, writing, using mutually
unintelligible languages, and so on-appears to
be essential if courtship is to proceed.
However, the speech topic itself seems to be
quite irrelevant to the formation of the bond.
Even a highly technical scientific or political
discussion, from a nonverbal point of view, can
be carried on flirtatiously. The two levels of
communication-rational and personal-can be
managed concurrently. One might be led from the
apparent contrast here between man and beast to
yet another facetious defmition of Homo sapiens:
the only animal that can talk and court at the
same time.
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- During the interaction phase, behavior would
continue to be highly animated and submissive.
Emotional tension, often pronounced in dealings
with strangers, (In a study of galvanic skin
responses, for example, McBride, Kin, and James
(1965) have found that anxiety in subjects
increases as they are approached by strangers.
The possibly innate, infantile "fear of
strangers" phenomenon (Emde, Gaensbauer, and
Harmon, 1976) may continue to operate partially
or vestigially in adulthood.) may increase as
the interaction becomes focused and magnified in
speech. Speaking seems to require an intensified
vis-à-vis relationship that includes
sustained periods of gaze contact, heightened
responsivity to the partner, and what Goffman
has called "social jeopardy." Regarding the
latter, Goffman (1967) has stated, "By saying
something, the speaker opens himself up to the
possibility that the intended recipients will
affront him by not listening or will think him
forward, foolish, or offensive in what he has
said" (p. 37). By speaking, the courter
"exposes" the self and assumes a socially
vulnerable position. In one sense the linguistic
act represents a wager that the unacquainted
partner's evident willingness to interact has
been judged correctly. Rejection by the one
being courted would likely be more painful than
rejection by a stranger.
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- Heightened anxiety would be evident in the
generally accelerated behavioral tempo.
Preening, head-tossing, clearing the throat,
stretching, yawning, and other
displacement-like activities might occur more
frequently and rapidly, especially at the
beginning of speaking turns, when "jeopardy"
would be marked. The partners might respond to
one another in exaggerated ways-for example, by
using overly emphatic head-nods of agreement,
vigorous hand-arm gestures, and loud laughter.'
Finally, there might be close synchrony in body
movements and gaze patterns. Keenly aware of one
another and anxious for clues as to the effects,
good or bad, they may be having, the bodies of
the partners might appear to anticipate and
"dance" to each other's rhythms (Condon and
Ogston, 1966).
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- Despite its fast-paced tempo, the
distinctive mood of the interaction phase of
courtship is submissive. The partners can be
expected to speak in voices that are lower in
volume, softer, and higher pitched than normal,
a tone of voice used by adults when speaking to
young children or to animals. The oversoft,
high-pitched voice, clearly nonthreatening,
would be less likely to frighten or to disquiet
timid receivers. During courtship, gaze contact
may continue to be broken by looking downward or
by lowering the eyes, although periods spent in
mutual gaze may begin to lengthen as anxiety
decreases somewhat. And shouldershrugging
units-lateral head-tilts, shoulder-flexing and
shoulder-raising, upwardrotated palm
gestures-may continue to be conspicuous while
the partners are speaking and listening.
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- Sexual-arousal Phase
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- If the courting union survives the first
stages, and the partners achieve some measure of
compatibility, they may begin to exchange a
series of caring and affectionate gestures such
as those found in the caregiver-child
relationship. The imaginary couple may now leave
the cafeteria, together, to begin a liaison-a
mating tandem-that is less public. Barriers to
physical closeness have begun to relax in this
phase, and tentatively at first, touching,
stroking, caressing, massaging, playing with the
other's hands, all behaviors that may be
observed in the earliest parental responses to
the neonate, begin to be exchanged.
Paralinguistically, speech continues in a soft
and high-pitched manner; semantically, it may be
well stocked with childcare metaphors (e.g.,
"baby," "sugar daddy," "little lady," "babe"),
and pet names (e.g., "cutie," "dollie,"
"sweetie").. Even varieties of baby talk may be
used.' The partners can be expected to give and
receive certain activities related to
breastfeeding. Nuzzling, licking, sucking,
playful biting, kissing, and so on, which appear
to have a broad geographical distribution as
sexually meaningful signs, can be used to
communicate the emotional intimacy that is
preequisite to sexual intercourse. Kissing has
been interpreted as a form of ritualized
mouth-feeding; it may also represent a form of
mutual suckling. Nuzzling behaviors, such as'
nose-rubbing among the Copper Eskimo and
face-rubbing among the Gahuku Gama of New
Guinea, can be regarded as cultural
embellishments of infantile behaviors. Grooming
activities may occur-such as fixing the other's
hair, straightening and adjusting clothing,
picking off lint, back-rubbing, buttoning and
zipping the partner's clothing-once again in a
manner that is highly suggestive of parental
child-tending. Finally, there may be carrying
and clutching activities, such as hand-holding,
embracing, hugging, clinging, and sometimes even
carrying (across thresholds, into bodies of
water, and so on, possibly as a form of mock
dominance), all of which can be found in
parenting and courting contexts as expressions
of warmth and attachment.
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- During the sexual-arousal phase there may be
periods of en face eye-to-eye contact. Once
more-as in the earliest motherinfant
interactions, when the en face position is a
prominent feature (Givens, 1978d)-lovers
typically will gaze at one another
"meaningfully" at very close quarters: mutual
gaze will be sustained and will be performed
with the eyes aligned and the facial planes
positioned in parallel. From an optical
standpoint the en face configuration, with its
mirror-image symmetry, would facilitate maximal
perception of the partner's eyes and facial
expressions so that nonverbal communication
would be intensified.
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- Generally, behavioral tempo in sexual
arousal would be slower than in previous phases.
The meeting would proceed gently and leisurely.
A drawling, overslow style of paralanguage, with
a baby-talk metaphor, might be evident. In
courtship at this stage the partners would be
relaxed and intensely attentive to one another,
almost in a parental way. The tender exchange of
nurturing signs would function to unite the pair
physically and emotionally to a point where they
may proceed. easily to sexual intercourse.
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- Resolution Phase
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- As a sexual signaling system, courtship
fulfills itself in copulation. The human
reproductive act, potentially an interesting
entity for ethological study, will not be
discussed in this report, except to say that
afterward the couple's relationship may abruptly
change. Almost immediately upon completion of
the sexual union a social distancing occurs. The
participants may sleep, take leave of one
another, become involved in separate activities,
and so on. The point is that after attaining the
copulatory stage, courtship activities may
suddenly cease, and the couple may experience a
spacing effect, a period of physical and
psychosocial separation.
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- After the resolution period, with its
characteristically very personal, usually
yentrum-to-ventrum, copulatory position, the
couple may begin to behave as an established
pair, without the fanfare of courtship signaling
evident in the attention, recognition, and
interaction phases. Established couples tend to
become rather inactive nonverbally. Because
sexual closeness need not be negotiated, and the
partners may move more easily into the
sexual-arousal and resolution phases, flirting
may become redundant and unnecessary, although
it may be kept up temporarily as a matter of
form. To the dismay of many married people,
courtship seems to be only a temporary
relationship that occurs between the first
meetings and intercourse. After resolution,
courting signals may become scarce.
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